Friday, 4 November 2011

Not Even a Bakers Dozen

Well, I didn't make it past day 12. I'm talking about my self-celibacy of course. I tried my best, I really did. However, these things often don't go to plan.

The hurdle in my attempt came in the form of Ass Face himself, more often known as Mr Good-Company. Now if you are a regular reader you will know just how much I have been looking forward to going to Sexpo with him. Now it wasn't just Sexpo itself I was looking forward to, but the night of fun to follow. It has been approximately 3.5 months since I have had sex and 2.5 months since I have had any fun at all, even something as simple as kissing. I was reeeally looking forward to 'After Sexpo'.

Then out of the blue, a massive projectile fell out of the sky and knocked my celibate, fantasising little socks off. Mr Good-Company was talking to a girl and he really thinks/thought (don't ask me, I don't know) that he has a chance with her. As such he would be 'un-single' come Sexpo time.

I'm not going to lie, I did cry. I was quite upset. Despite my attempts not to raise my own hopes, not to expect it to happen until it actually did, I had begun to really believe it would happen.

At this stage, Mr Good-Company has said that if nothing happens with this girl, then Sexpo is still on. But I'm not letting my hopes be raised again, I don't like how much it hurts when I fall through the sky and crash back down to reality. In my mind, until he let's me know otherwise, Sexpo is 99.99% not happening (I want to say it's not happening, but damn it I still seem to be hoping).

Now I am aware, as several close friends have told me, that I am being silly, stupid, naive, insert appropriate insult here. I know this. I really, really do. I know I am nothing but a fall back option for sex, for a blow job, for a good time. If I let myself think about, it does hurt. But I choose not to. I want sex to, I want oral, I want to have a good time. Unfortunately, this seems to be the only way I can have this good time.

Okay! Calm down! I'm not having a go at myself so to speak, I know one day there will be others One day someone will want me for more than just sex. I've never given up hope of that. The day I give up hope, will be the day that living loses it's appeal. I am an optimist. I always have been. Even when I considered suicide several years ago, the one thought that stopped me was that 'One day it will be better'. I still believe this. One day it will be better.

Still wondering how my celibacy failed? It's simple really, when I'm quite upset I play. It makes me feel better. I do think that I failed my celibacy attempt, but that doesn't matter to me. I tried my best. I survived longer than I thought, proved that I am stronger than I thought. But that is what often seems to be the case, you never really know exactly how strong you can be, until you are tested. I am always being tested. I am always stronger than expected and I always will be.


  1. Enjoying an orgasm doesn't make you a bad person. Failing to refrain something that's designed to be pleasurable does NOT make you a bad person. But what you describe is an unhealthy habit. "I'm depressed, therefore I will masturbate." You need to deal with the root causes. You need to find healthier ways of making yourself feel better. After all, your ultimate goal was to resensitize you since you had been "abusing" your sex toys. One orgasm doesn't bring you away from this goal.


  2. @ Timmy

    Partial agree, partial disagree ;)
    Your point about one orgasm (or more if there were more) not destroying the resensitizing goal is we think entirely correct.

    However, using the endorphin/seratonin rush of orgasm to help deal with depression, how is this not a healthy option?

    Admittedly, removing the cause of the depression should probably be included, but mitigation of a non desirable mental state is rarely a bad thing. 2c deposited :)

  3. @Timmy

    I disagree, I don't think it's an unhealthy release at all. I'd use the 'compared to harmful depression relieving habits' defense, but to me that's the same as saying 'hey I take heroin, at least it's not meth' -.-

    I think masturbation is an incredibly healthy pain reliever, both mental and physical, and when you're low anything that will pull you up without damaging yourself should be done.

    That being said, it's rather a moot point. From a professional point of view this particular low had nothing to do with any clinical mental state and more to do with a natural normal low mood from a shitty circumstance. So I really don't see how it's an unhealthy way to make oneself feel better.

    You did well lass, I'm proud of you. Sorry things haven't turned out as planned. You're a strong woman and made of pure awesomeness so don't ever give up hope!

  4. Thank you all for commenting. You've all made some valid points for me to ponder on. Do I turn to masturbation during emotional low points? Should I find a way to rectify the low pints or the habit? Despite these ponderings I do tend to be off the opinion that there is nothing wrong with using a masturbation as a pick me up. It is healthy and makes me feel better. I certainly have no plans to stop in the near future.Thanks again folks!

  5. There is nothing wrong with therapeutic masturbation - i.e. masturbation designed to help you relax, lift your mood, relieve some tension, etc. etc. Combine it with a healthy fantasy or two, a little self inflicted sensation play and/or your favorite erotic romance and it can even compete with dark chocolate in terms of effectiveness.