Sunday, 31 July 2011

Eloquence does elude me

For fucks sake! Let me fill you in on a few of the finer details of the parting off me and Mr Good-Company. He ended it via Facebook chat and refused to answer the phone when I tried calling him. I still had a dvd of his and we agreed that I'd just put it in his mailbox. The end, but still be Facebook friends and such.

But that doesn't feel right. Too me, that isn't how you say goodbye to the person you had your first kiss with and lost your virginity too. Call me a soppy, sentimental fuck-wit if you like, but I feel the need for closure. I just want to say goodbye in person. But he won't let me.

 In all seriousness I really would not be at all dramatic. I honestly feel no romantic link to Mr Good-Company at all now, there is just the important fact that he was the one I lost my virginity too. I only want to say goodbye properly.

I don't know if it is only because of my inexperience that I want this. I will never see him again once he moves away in a months time so I really don't know what he's worried about. Goodbyes are just something that's important too me. I've moved around a lot and farewelled a lot of people, often forever.As for those I haven't said goodbye too, I do regret it. I so far regret nothing about my friendship with Mr Good-Company, but I know I will always regret not being able to say goodbye.

*If anyone reading this happens to agree with me on this, I would love it if you could comment. Mr Good-Company does have access to this blog and I would love it if all you wonderful readers could back me up on what a dick he's being about this. Thanks in advance!

Friday, 29 July 2011

Coffee and The Couch

I no longer require appointments with The Couch. A couple of days ago I had what was to be one of my last appointments with The Couch. Over my last several visits we have slowly been running out of things to talk about. I am happy with my life. The quirks that led me to first begin seeing the couch are now under control thanks to medication. Nothing more can really be done.

I have come to accept that the level of quirkiness/anxiety levels is at a very manageable level. Yes, I do sometimes lose it, but that's normal. Apparently my anxiety disorder isn't even defined as a disorder any more. The group of smarty pants people who decide such things apparently voted it out of  'crazy' and moved it down into just one 'one of those' personality quirks. It is no-longer considered something that can be 'fixed', but just a quirk that can be managed. I can deal with that.

On this same day I also had a coffee date. Several weeks earlier I has sent a guy (The Bartender)  on a chat site a contact request and he had messaged me back asking for my number. Figuring 'what the hell' I gave it to him. Following several weeks of trying to arrange a day to meet (neither of us seemed to be in town at the same time) we finally settled on Tuesday the 26th at the same cafe where I had met Mr 1984.

I arrived first. Waiting outside I was very nervous, as I always am with meeting new people. The Bartender and I had never even chatted online or had any contact other than the texts arranging the date. I knew nothing. He knew nothing.

When he arrived we ordered coffee's and found a seat in one of the booths. I was amazed at how relaxed I was once I sat down. My self confidence has grown so much in the past year that it still manages to leave me absolutely amazed.

We drank out coffee's, The Bartender commenting on my shaking hands (a side effect of my anxiety medication) which I explained away as 'my thing' with a story about needing to have my all my speech cards during high school on a key ring, so that when I eventually dropped them due to my shaking hands at least they would be easy to put back in order.

The Bartender and I chatted for about an hour before he had to leave for work. He is 26 years old and doing a Bachelor (?) of Public Relations (?) at Uni whilst bartending. He moved down here from Melbourne to go to Uni.

I will mention a rather odd thing happened during our meeting. About halfway through, a fellow diner came and asked for The Bartenders autograph, which he gave. When the other diner had left, I said to The Bartender 'Well I think you're going to have to explain that one.' Apparently the bartender is something of a local boxer. Since I forgot to ask his last name however I couldn't do any googling and find out if there is some truth to this or not. Someone at work suggested that this was an attempt to impress me. I have to say, if that was the case, it didn't exactly work that way. It just made it another odd thing to happen at this particular Cafe. The last time I had met an internet random there the staff apparently took a photo of us. Perhaps the combination of Jess Carlson + Internet Random + This Cafe = Weirdness. Maybe I'm jinxed.

The Couch suggested that having the prospect of this coffee date is one of the reason that I had no trouble moving on from Mr Good-Company. I must admit that I was thinking this as well. I'm of the opinion that the meeting went well. At this stage I think I'll be seeing him again, though my hopes are certainly not as soaring as they were when I first met Mr Good-Company. I learn my lessons. I do however remain hopeful. The Bartender is away for the next week or so visiting his family in Melbourne. As too what happens when he returns, I shall just have to wait and see.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Dear Readers,

Mr Good-Company and I have parted ways. He has found someone he can be more than 'fun friends' with. Our end came a month earlier than I expected so I have no trouble admitting it was a bit of shock. However, underneath that shock I feel relief. It's over. I can stop stressing and I can stop being jealous. I intend to use all the self-confidence our arrangement gave me and figure out who I am now (so to speak).

I'll write more when I know exactly what it is that I'm feeling and thinking. I just thought that I'd let you all know what has happened.

In blogging and friendship, Jess.

Saturday, 9 July 2011

The Final Frontier

The world can end now. I'm not going to be a dying a virgin in any capacity. As I mentioned in my last post, Mr Good-Company and I were exploring the idea of trying anal. We were slowly working our way towards it through the use of toys and fingering, so I could become accustomed to the feel and try and avoid any eventual pain.

On Thursday night, just two weeks after I had lost my virginity, that final frontier was crossed. I was over at Mr Good-Company's place again, we went into his bedroom and began to play. Everything started of as per usual, removal of clothes, making out and a little bit of biting, before we re-arranged ourselves into the 69 position with him on top of me.

At some point while Mr Good-Company was licking and fingering me I realised that he was starting to work his hand inside of me, without lube. It wasn't hurting me at all, but he certainly wasn't having too much success either. He asked me if I'd brought the lube. Of course I had, along with most of my toy collection since I really had no idea what he was thinking of doing with me that night. I am a believer in always be prepared.

Mr Good-Company came back with the lube and several toys. He knelt between my legs, poured a liberal amount of lube onto me and also onto his hand. He started to slide his hand inside of me and I, as was my usual gig, grabbed hold of his wrist. His hand seemed to slide inside of me much easier than our previous attempts. It didn't even hurt at all until he had his entire hand inside of me. I felt him begin to move his hand in and out of me slightly until the pain finally reached a point where I just had to say 'Stop'.

He withdrew his hand and began to play with my clit, before slowly working his way down to my anus. Mr Good-Company rubbed his finger over it for a little while before moving it inside. At the same time he slid a dildo inside of my pussy. He played with me in this manner for a while before he asked me if I wanted to try something else, if I wanted to try him. I nodded.

Mr Good-Company moved himself close to me and tried to slide himself inside of me. It hurt and once again I was tensing up, forgetting to relax. Once I finally relaxed and Mr Good-Company was inside of me, he slowly  started to move. My first reaction was to place my feet on his shoulders, almost pushing him away. His moving inside of me just felt so very strange. It wasn't painful, just extremely unsettling. For a moment I had the feeling I get when I see too much blood. The feeling of all the blood rushing out of my head and that I'm about to pass out. After a moment however, I was able to regain control of myself and Mr Good-Company once again started to move.

I believe I had to stop, or at least ask Mr Good-Company to slow down on several more occasions. He obliged and then when it was okay again he would once again start thrusting. Mr Good-Company started to rub my clit as he began to thrust faster. This felt quite good. I wasn't attaining any pleasure from the sex as such, but the clit rubbing was of course quite nice. By the time Mr Good-Company was close to coming, the 'unsettling' feeling had disappeared and I was able to focus a bit more on what was happening.

All in all, it wasn't as terrifying of an experience as I had expected. I think my fear would probably have come from my repulsion in regards to faeces and also the fact that when Mr Good-Company did put the vibrator in me that first time, it was quite painful. I was expecting to be in quite a lot of pain the next day, as I had been the day after the vibrator, but there was no pain at all. Even the fisting didn't have any after effects in regards to pain.

At this point in time I would have to say that I prefer fisting to anal sex. Fisting gives me that endorphin rush, while at this stage I don't really get anything at all from anal sex other than an unsettled feeling in my stomach. I assume it's entirely possible that this may change over time and I imagine that I will definitely try it again at some point, but for now I'm happy with vaginal sex and fisting. They're both just so much more pleasurable than anal.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

The Sphincters Riddle

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, Mr Good-Company will soon be moving away. As such, there a couple of things I would like to try before he leaves. The list is as follows, in no particular order:
  • Fully achieve being fisted
  • Anal sex
  • Have sex at my favourite place
  • Car sex
  • Double penetration
  • An excursion to the local sex shop
  • Christen my bed
  • Take some new photos
  • Some light bondage

We've been exploring the idea of anal sex lately. For some odd reason this is more frightening to me than the idea of fisting was. I know this is a rather illogical fear. Anal sex is supposedly a fairly common activity, especially when compared to fisting. I suppose that my fear comes from the fact this area (the anus) is still, in my mind at least, a sort of taboo thing. Due to the fact that my mind considers it scary, I am considering this a challenge. I enjoy breaking through the barriers my mind sets me.

Ever since I lost my virginity I've been rather keen to christen my bed. There was just something so enjoyably naughty about having sex in my lovely single bed, amongst the sheets that I've had since around about the first time I actually learnt what sex was. Mr Good-Company strung me out via Facebook chat until he actually managed to have me begging for him to come over, which he finally did.

Our fun began in the entrance to my lounge room, with Mr Good-Company kissing me and unbuttoning my shirt before we moved to the bedroom. After taking my shirt off, pausing whilst I put my cat outside, Mr Good-Company and I began to make out on my bed, removing my pants and his.

Mr Good-Company laid me across his lap as he began to tease my clit, biting my neck and nipples at the same time. He kept on rubbing my clit and fingering me until I came. When I caught my breath again, he sat himself over my chest and placed his cock in my mouth. As he began to thrust in my mouth, he reached behind him, playing with my clit. From there he worked his way to my pussy and finally to my ass.

As soon as his fingers started to play with that area I began to feel my nerves kick in. He rubbed me for a while before he slowly inserted a finger. This didn't hurt, but still felt quite odd. At the same time as he was doing this I continued to suck him, reaching out with my tongue to lick his balls as I did so.

I eventually began to relax a bit more. At this point Mr Good-Company asked me where I kept my toys, 'In the bedside table.' I (perhaps naively) had no idea what he was thinking of doing. As he took a slim vibe out of the drawer, I told him that it had no batteries in it. He said that was okay and began to coat the vibe with quite a large amount of lube. It was then that my sensibilities kicked in and I realised just where that vibe was headed.

Mr Good-Company knelt at the edge of the bed and placed my legs over his shoulders. I felt the vibrator begin to push against me. It didn't feel like there was an entrance there at all. I couldn't feel the vibe going in, just something poking hard at my flesh. I can remember I kept crying out, the sharp bursts of pain making me gasp.

At the same time as he was working with the vibe, Mr Good-Company was giving me oral, which I assume was an effort to distract me. After a little while Mr Good-Company's head popped up from between my legs in a rather humorous manner and with a smile on his face. I cracked up laughing. 'That's a very evil grin on your face.' He told me that was because he did evil things. He told me that I needed to relax. It was then that I realised just how tensed up I was, that I was forgetting the one thing I had read many a time in regards to anal. The importance of being relaxed. I nodded, said 'I know' and tried my best to relax.

As Mr Good-Company resumed his tongue work, I relaxed my body. Almost immediately I felt the pain stop and the vibrator slide in. After continuing with the oral for a while longer Mr Good-Company pulled another vibe from the drawer and put it in my pussy. He proceeded to fuck me with it, kissing and biting me at the same time. I wasn't able to come from this as I was constantly afraid of the first vibe being 'sucked' into my anus.

When Mr Good-Company stood up to put a condom on I removed the vibe from my ass and he removed the one from my pussy. He swung me around on the bed so that I was lying lengthways (we had been lying across the bed until this point) and slid his cock inside of me. As he began to fuck me I felt the pleasure building inside of me. After a few moments Mr Good-Company placed my legs over my shoulders and began to fuck me harder. This really felt quite good and I began to come, a pillow slowly falling over my face.

I pushed the pillow on the floor and grinned up at Mr Good-Company. He coaxed my body into a kneeling position and began to fuck me from behind as I moaned into the mattress. Mr Good-Company moved faster and harder, holding onto my hips as he finally came. Both of us then collapsing onto the bed.

Within an hour of our fun ending my ass started to feel quite sore. I had been warned of this by a friend, but I was still rather surprised at just how painful it was. It is only now, just over 24 hours later that the pain is receding.

Despite the pain, as with fisting, it is definitely something I want to continue working towards. I feel this is something that I can do. Next time we try I am going to see if I'm able to take Mr Good-Company himself, instead of the vibe. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stand any movements, but I at least want to accustom myself to the feel of him inside of me.I want to find out if I'm able to find any sexual pleasure in anal sex, as well as to be able say 'I've tried it.'