About a week ago now I had an appointment with The Couch (my psychologist). Of late, since my anxiety issues are mainly under control thanks to meds (though I do seem to have regressed into a hornier version of my 12 year old self) we have mainly been speaking about the changes in my life, specifically the effect of my 40kg weight loss and my arrangement with Mr Good-Company.
The main effect of my weight loss has been a large gain in my self-confidence, especially when around people I already know as my anxiety does kick in a bit when I'm around new people. Then she links some of that back to the physical attention I have recieved from Mr Good-Company which makes me feel, at times, for the first time ever, kinda sexy and that perhaps I'm not that bad looking after all.
The main thing that we talk about in regards to Mr Good-Company is the arrangement itself. Unfortunately for me she does point out the things that I don't really want to think about.
She asks me about the friendship side of the arrangement, which is one of the things that I'm still unsure of at times. The Couch wonders why it is that if we are 'friends' why I am never invited to go out with Mr Good-Company and his other friends. She asks why it is that the only time we ever meet in person it is never to just hang out but specifically for the physical side of things. I must admit, I try not to think about those questions.
Her next question took me completely by surprise, it came from talking about the fact that Mr Good-Company has feeling for someone else, but not for me. 'Do you think that you're worthy of having someone care about and even love you?'.
I answered 'yes' and at the time I was sure of my answer. But unfortunately, from time to time, snippets of doubt do worm their way into my thoughts.
Realastically I know there is nothing wrong with myself as a person. I'm friendly (I try to be anyway), I would do anything to help a friend even at inconvenience to myself. I try to help charities when I can, I'm a blood donor and I hate it when I hurt another, be it for reason of necessity or accident.
But then the doubt creeps in. Someone once told me that I can come across as an absolute bitch when people first meet me because I can be so shy that I seem up-myself, is this still the case?. Do the odd things I do or say freak people out at times? Perhaps there is nothing sexy about me? Perhaps people still just look at me and see a 6ft tall, obese giant? Do I accidentally offend people? I really don't mean to.
The other topic we've talked about is me moving away from this town. We long ago came to the realisation that my options for meeting people are very limited here since I'm not into the whole pub/club thing. That said, perhaps I would be if I had friends I could go out with? This town does have very limited social options fro people my age who aren't really into the whole drinking thing
But how different would thing be in Melbourne? I would still have no friends, therefore no-one to go out with I would also completely out of my comfort zone (though that could perhaps be a good thing in the long run). Moving would also take away the safety net of doctors that I've built up here, as well as move me further away from my family whom I am slowly becoming closer to as I become older and the come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a child, but an adult. How would I manage that?
All in all, these are the things I don't want to think about. They scare me, they upset me and make me wish for things that aren't possible. Despite my forced optimism, I'm not one for believing in fairy-tale endings.