Then Mr Good-Company said that he really wanted to have his cock inside of me. I replied that 'I wish it could be, but I think that would be a bad idea. Unfortunately'. I really do wish that he could fuck me. My fear in regards to this is that I will form even more of an emotional attachment than I already have. What I already have is at times already barely controlled (read 'Drunken Cupcakes for more info). I'm afraid that if I do sleep with him it will really mess me up and I'm not sure how much 'messed up-ness' my emotional brain cage can contain. But I really want to have sex!
But I have to say, that I am attracted to him to begin with still amazes me. He just isn't the type I usually find myself going for, and he's shorter than me! I've never been attracted to anyone who was shorter than me!
It really does confuse me. My logical mind tells me that the reason I do like him is because he's the only guy that's ever shown me any sort of attention before. Its something I'm really not used to. I know that I look much better now than I did 12 months ago, and as much as I can look in the mirror and see that parts of me do look fantastic (neck, shoulders, breasts and waist) I'm still quite self conscious of the bits that I consider unattractive.
I like to think I have fairly good body image. I am currently a size 18/22 but those numbers keep decreasing due to the large amount of exercise that I do. I have a very curvy body shape and I hope never to lose this. I see girls walking out and about with hip bones sticking out of the top of their jeans or bumps of vertebrae outlined against their t-shirts, seeing this make me feel incredibly sad.
As I was growing up I was constantly compared to my younger, much slimmer sister. Though she isn't one of the 'bone' girls she's not far from it. I certainly wouldn't say that she has the curvy shape I desire, apart from in the chest area that is. I will never be the same size as my sister. Even ignoring our differences in weight, we have very different body shapes. Robin is naturally slim, tallish and can eat anything without gaining weight. I, on the other hand, have always gained weight easily, I am much broader in the shoulders and hips and have more muscle than her in general.
But I'm very happy with where I am weight wise right now. I still find the thing with Mr Good-Company quite hard at times, but my psychologist assures me that this and the way I deal with it (Drunken Cupcakes) is all a normal reaction. This does re-assure me, but it doesn't necessarily make me feel better about things. I will continue to puzzle over my attraction to Mr Good-Company (maybe it's because he seems reasonably intelligent? I like intelligence) but I don't know. I will now go back to my online chatting and continue to play with some of the guys who ask what colour my knickers are. I do not understand how the colour of my knickers is necessary information...but that's another topic altogether.